mood swings much?
so i got home to indiana on saturday afternoon.
the plan was: take nap, eat food, get bearings, go contra dance for new year’s.
the reality was: putter around house, order pizza, open suitcase to imply that unpacking would eventually occur, feel groggy, decide to read fun paperback that should have been taken on plane, take nap, drag self out of deep sludge-like slumber, decide to skip dance because of exhaustion and cramps, read more of fun paperback, burrow into bed, make tea, say hi to 2006, call it a night.
it was pretty nice, really, despite missing the dance. sometimes that happens, and sometimes it’s ok.
i told myself that i would finish the book (it was “the blue sword” – an old swords/horses/girls-are-cool-too/magic-in-the-desert book that i read when i was younger and was then given again somewhat randomly for my alphabet-themed 26th birthday this year, so i had been meaning to read it again sometime for kicks), rest up more on sunday, and then go to work on monday to take advantage of the down time and catch up on stuff.
once again, however, plans did not become reality, and i ended up continuing to feel pretty lethargic on sunday after finishing the book, so after a few unpacking-like maneuvers, i decided to flaunt prudence and keep going on the magic-in-the-desert theme by reading dune, which i had also received for my birthday, but which i had somehow never read, despite knowing that the legitimacy of my sci-fi stripes would always be called into question as a result.
so read dune i did.
i still told myself i would go to work on monday, right up until 3 in the afternoon or so, when i finally called my own bluff and decided it was better to just give in and be done with it so that i couldn’t use the book as an excuse to procrastinate any further. i enjoyed the chance to stay snuggled in the house while it poured down rain outside, i ate the leftover pizza, and i finally learned the story of a young man called muad’dib.
today, i walked to work, ate laughing planet, got a fair bit done, talked with colleagues, watched erik dance, signed up for netflix, walked home listening to moby, went to bloomingfoods to buy hot and sour soup ingredients and belated new year’s black eyed peas (they were out, which actually made me happy because i felt a sense of kinship with the folks who had bought them – good luck, fellow bloomingtonians!), went to target to buy a new mattress pad, a skillet, and some random toiletries, went to barnes and noble for a couple late presents, and came home to work on the computer for a while.
it was a good day, and i feel like my restful weekend did it’s work. i have energy, i feel productive, my mind feels capable of focus. it seems like i just had to get some real alone time out of my system after a fairly busy and crowded holiday. and reading dune was a pretty good accomplishment, too, if not one that i had originally set for the week.
still, the reason i’m writing all this is because, as much as i can find a place for lazy days like yesterday in my mythology of myself, the truth is that, at the time, they kind of scare me. i feel my knowledge of all that i have to do, and i feel myself stepping away from it. i feel myself rolling over and going back to sleep even though i’ve slept most of the day, i feel myself deciding that i should do yoga or something because it’s ‘good for me,’ but then hours go by with such excuses and i know that i’m really just procrastinating.