ok, i admit it… i’m afraid of starting a blog.
as someone who has been working to encourage myself to write frequently and freely for my entire life, someone who truly believes in the written word as a vehicle for personal reflection, someone who really respects the idea of putting ourselves on the record at our less-than-polished moments, and someone who is just plumb overwhelmed most of the time by the unending task of sorting through and articulating the flotsam and jetsam that tumbles around in my head, i really have no good excuse for resisting, but i have resisted nonetheless.
the hard truth of the matter is that it’s just easier to appreciate the openness and creativity of others than it is to put myself on the line, and so i find myself thinking ridiculous thoughts like “yeah! i want the world to see my unfinished thoughts! just as soon as i finish figuring out what i want to say about them!”
ummm… sure thing, there kay-dawg…
i am always, not just in writing, reluctant to take very strong stances. i hedge. i qualify. i always believe that there is more that i could learn that could affect my positions, and so i feel uncomfortable finalizing anything.
some of this, i believe, is a personal strength – i believe in questioning, in revising, in exploring, in listening deeply to ideas that are different than my own.
some of it, however, is bullshit.
i am too afraid of being taken out of context, of not being able to fully defend myself, of being revealed as naive, of revealing things that people might not really like to know, of simply saying things that i later regret or disagree with.
i don’t like to admit that i’m afraid of these things, and i know i Shouldn’t be, but… \*shrug\*
what to do?
this is about being honest even when it’s ugly, right?
anyway, i’m tired of being a hypocrite about what i respect in others and what i cultivate in myself. i’m twenty-flipping-six years old, and i’m running out of energy for my excuses.
i don’t know whether i’ll start by writing too much, or by keeping most entries private, or by couching everything in self-indulgent justifications like this, but it’s time to risk it and see.
i feel something inside me rumbling, growing impatient, ready to step into the light…